more bad news

according to candian scientists (canadian scientists? if you say so. weird.), at their current rate of decline, the world's supply of fishable (i.e. delicious) seafood will run out in 2048. this might just be the saddest news ever.

a mandate on taste

consumer reports reports to consumers that mcdonald's premium coffees (newman's own organic, in the green mountain family) beat starbucks regular coffee in their in-house testing. this is interesting on a couple of levels, none of them having anything to do with the relative quality of either coffee.

first though, to disclaim, i've never tried mcdonald's new coffee, despite the fact that they offer it for free with any of their delicious sammiches every morning. i do, however, have a cup of starbucks' ethiopia sidamo in front of me as i'm typing this. and it's pretty damn good. ooh, also in the interests of full disclosure, i kinda sorta work for starbucks. and have for years. in fact, starbucks not only pays my rent and my bills, but they bought me a bike when mine got stolen. nevertheless, i like to think i'm vociferous in my criticism of my corporate overlords, both on and off the job. plus, like the evaluators in the survey, i'm trained in the intricacies of coffee-tasting. my palate be hella educated, yo.

there, now that that's out of the way, on to the coffee survey itself, and more importantly, my problems with it.

ok, back to the taste thing. the appeal of coffee is very, very subjective, and i'm not just talking about what kind of milk or how much sugar you add to it. (don't even get me started on calling your fucking latte "coffee" because it's just not right) whether or not a random person enjoys a cup of coffee depends very much on characteristics that your average joe probably wouldn't even know how to characterize, like acidity, body, and mouthfeel. these traits interact with the three levels of flavor (top, middle, and bottom) to create the overall taste of a cup of coffee. if this sounds nerdy, well, that's because it is. and i go here not to prove how uncool i am (duh) but to make the point that every cup is different. there are starbucks coffees i hate (verona) and starbucks coffees i love (shade-grown mexico), but my opinion of the company's offerings as a whole are relatively constant. unlike mcdonald's, i should point out.

so am i defending starbucks? maybe. a little. more like condemning the conditions under which this test was conducted. for instance, were all the coffees they tasted organic? or just mcdonald's? were they latin american? african? asian? blends? light roasts? dark roasts? were they freshly ground? freshly brewed? how long ago were they brewed? were they all 100% arabica? was the coffee brewing equipment clean?

god knows i can't vouch for my own store on some of these factors, let alone five different stores with five different sets of corporate standards. and maybe these variables will cancel each other out across the field of candidate coffees, but coming fresh from a course on research methods, the whole thing seems a little sloppy to me.


notice how i don't dispute the value thing though. newman's own organic coffee is fair trade certified, and thus about as guilt-free as coffee can be. unlike starbucks (cafe estima aside). and the mcdonald's is still cheaper! if there's anything about this that should embarrass the suits in seattle, it's that.

good lord, i hate this movie

look, i don't really have a lot of love for the troglodytes over at aicn. more often than not, their breathless fanboyism makes me want to punch myself in the face for liking some of the same things they do.

however, there's a special place in my heart for hating on eragon. perhaps it's the residual self-loathing of a former (very former, asshole) dragonlance reader, or maybe it's just that this kind of shitstorm of a novel makes anybody who actually enjoys fantasy of any stripe feel like a total schmuck. quality, original, amazing, fantastic fiction does exist out there, but every book of sword-and-sorcery cookie cutter tripe that comes out just encourages people to write off the whole genre. so, thanks, homeschooled dipshit, for tying your cinderblock of a brainfart around the necks of actual fantasy fans everywhere. enjoy your millions of dollars.

p.s. your dragon looks completely retarded.

who knew tv journalists could actually do their jobs?

i don't really like tv news. i've watched the local broadcasts a few times and they're pretty pathetic. the national stuff's even worse most of the time. at least the local news is still relevant to the people who watch it--the cable news channels are completely ridiculous. cnn's preaching the coming armageddon, fox news is winning the market share for old white people (news viewers) and polemicizing as if most of its audience didn't just get kicked out of washington. but out of nowhere comes msnbc. despite having chris matthews and tucker carlson on their own shows, the peacock became the first network to have the balls to call iraq a civil war on the air. i don't even mind joe scarborough some of the time, since he actually uses his brain and not just his mouth.

but man oh man, do i love me some keith olbermann.

i liked him on espn (i think that was the last time i watched espn on purpose, actually) and i really, really like countdown. olbermann is everything you could want of a media personality cum journalist: avowedly nonpartisan, viciously protective of social, civil, and human rights, striking without being strident, clever without being smug, pointed without being shrill, and possessing the kind of gravitas (and eyebrows) that peter jennings would be proud of. he has real experts from both sides come on every night and even provides political, historical, and philosophical context for the issues he's covering. context! issues! not empty blather and shouted character assassinations. can they even do that on television? i swear, it's like an incredible one-hour dream every weeknight.

i've been studying political media personalities all semester, and if they were all a little more like olbermann, maybe tv news wouldn't be the spite-filled, useless wasteland it's become. on the show tonight, in one of his 'special comment' segments, olbermann tore into newt gingrich's proposed dismantling of the first amendment. it's a good read, but it was absolutely stunning television. i don't even mind that he borrowed edward murrow's closing line. i've never seen politics on tv that impressed me as much (not counting the west wing. and 24).

all i ask is that you stop kidding yourselves

alright, listen up morons. (smart people, you can go read a book or something) i know it's hard to wrap your gucci-obsessed reptile brains around the concept, but calories equal fat and starbucks drinks are fucking loaded with the little buggers. a venti nonfat caramel macchiato is packing something like 350, so good job sticking to your no-diet diet, suckas.

i found this in a fast food nation-inspired quiz about your favorite retail food joints (cosi, dunkin, da bux). how well did you pay attention to the previous paragraph?

4. Which grande (16 oz.) Starbucks drink has the fewest calories?

a. Frappuccino Blended Coffee with whipped cream

b. Frappuccino Blended Crème

c. Chai Tea Latte

d. Caramel Macchiato

e. Cappuccino

(answer at the bottom, i'm sure you're fairly tingly with anticipation)

on another, but equally annoying, note: starbucks customers, i'm not your damn mother. pick up after yourselves. word on the street is that you jerks are supposed to be adults.




and now, for the grand(e) reveal:

a. Frappuccino Blended Coffee with whipped cream
(420 to 550 calories)
b. Frappuccino Blended Crème
(490 to 580 calories)
c. Chai Tea Latte
(290 calories)
d. Caramel Macchiato
(310 calories)
the winner! e. Cappuccino even, if made with whole milk
(150 calories)

there, now quit bothering me (and stop talking about how "tall" is a "small". i fucking know).

finally, some fucking validation

"Too cool for school: You are a certifiable indie god. You know which bands are breaking up before the rest of us simpletons have to read about it in Filter or on Pitchfork."

this just in, cnn says i kick total ass, which i guess means that my indie cred has already been sacrificed to the gaping maw of time warner-aol. nuts. maybe they'll pay me if i use my indie superpowers (goofy hair! cool t-shirts! pointless knowledge!) for the benefit of mankind. sadly, when the troglodytes at cnn are telling you you're cool, it's time to burn your closet and donate your ipod to charity (doctors without borders, not tunes!). seriously, it's worse than when your mom says it. fucking miles o'brien.

slight site changes, insights to excite!

blogger's new layout gizmo is giving me issues, so i'm calling it a night. no more 'what hits' bar, as i got the feeling it only mattered to me and was a pain in the ass to update (there was typing involved, gah). trying to give you guys a new picture to swoon over (it shows off my eyes!) and a new blogroll. the labels are awesome, and i'm having a blast with 'em. in case you couldn't tell.

by the by, did anybody hear about that nutbar down in georgia? yeah, she wants to ban harry potter books because they're too witchy! i know! the nerve of some people. not only are witches smoking hot (sabrina, samantha, tara, willow, blair witch, hermione), but they teach kids to read before they eat them. sometimes. also a few of those witches i mentioned saved the world! what have you done lately, nutbar?

oh, right, you made sure your library didn't have any spanish-language fiction so the immigrants wouldn't come in there and make it smelly and mexican. fantastic job. really, way to fucking go. i almost wish witches were real so they could eat your children and keep them from spreading your lunacy to more innocent people!

first of all, many immigrants (legal or not) are not spanish speakers at all. they're from other parts of the world that probably scare nutbar just as badly. secondly, a fair amount of illegal immigrants (the scarier kind) are fucking illiterate! and i bet they're still smarter than you! sweet fucking christ, lady. i can't decide whether to tear my hair out or curl up in a ball and weep.

p.s. the harry potter series are the most banned books of all time. as banned books week was last week, we can safely assume that nutbar is ignorant about pretty much everything yet was blessed with a deliciously ironic sense of timing.

a long-ass time

it's good to be back, albeit temporarily. the local cable internets monopoly has me by the short and curlies and i'll be sans connecion until next monday. well, free internet is what i'm paying school for, i suppose. that, and the privilege of getting gouged for textbooks. what a racket.

today is september 11, which means two things to me. first, happy 30th anniversary mom and dad! second, it's been five years since that day, and i'm sure everybody in america is dreading the onslaught of evocation that anniversaries ending in '5' seem to bring about. what's so damn special about half a decade? are thoughts of the world trade center and the pentagon more poignant in 2006 than they were in 2005? highly dubious. no, the cynic in me says that five years is just long enough to pretend we won't reduce the earth-shattering events of that day to petty attempts at making money. sorry united 93, world trade center, and the flight that fought back, you guys almost made it. instead you could only wait four and a half years. that's just crass.

over the summer, i took a tour of the pentagon and the highlight, by far--not counting the ground zero hot dog stand*--was their memorial for 9/11. built into the section that was actually hit by flight 77, it houses a memorial with inscriptions of the names of everybody killed in the impact, including the names of the terrorists. that fact jarred me when i first heard it, and not only because it seemed out of character for a bush-led administration. it jarred me because i found humanization when i expected villification. i say this not as an excuse for the actions of the terrorists, but as a reminder of the fact that they are human and shouldn't be demonized. it's too easy to say they're just fucking evil and leave it at that. and while i find jihadic eradication of the west to be goddamned terrifying, i think that righteous eradication of the east is just as hideously stupid of an idea.

i went back and read the blog entry i wrote for september 13th, 2001. (i had a blog back then, and it was just as much of a self-indulgent screed as this one is. some things never change) besides the obnoxious $.25 vocab words--"zeitgeist"!--and tragicomic poetry--"gaping whole"--i think i made a good point about community. i've never really felt like a part of community simply because of where i live, and i think that's a distinctly american feeling. instead, the times i've felt most like a member of a community is when i'm with my friends--a community i helped to bring together and in which i play an important part. i don't know if that kind of feeling is possible in wider american society. the ability to cross social barriers like class, race, and ideology--which should have been stronger after 9/11!--seems to have left us completely. on the other hand, maybe i just isolate myself with semi-rich white urbanites possessed of an ironical worldview because i'm a big sissy mary on the inside. in any case, here's my old post, if you're interested.

i'll talk about school, west elm, moving, the wedding, and maybe football, politics, and how much i hate marmaduke in a little bit.

forefathers be proud

happy birthday america!

the 4th of july is an odd duck of a holiday.  not so much in the reasons for its existence, but more in the way it’s celebrated.  is bbq-ing american?  sure it is, unless you count all of the other cultures—africans, arabs, asians—who beat us to it.  there’s also the pesky fact that holding raw meat over open fire may very well be the oldest form of cooking there is.  it’s so easy, a caveman could do it.  sure, they didn’t have frozen burger patties and individually wrapped cheese slices back then (it took america to individually wrap its cheese, by gum!), so i guess we can lay our claim to the experience if not the method.  but is grilling really any more american than frying things?  kfc and paula deen probably don’t think so.  we can probably call the fish-fry an authentic american experience, and it’s even appropriately summery, but i don’t think it’ll ever catch on as a 4th staple.

also, when the temperature rises, there’s a certain segment of the population (myself included) that will always reach for one specific beer—la corona!  That’s just an inviolable fact of summer.  and despite the overall (and also inviolable) blandness of the corona, i have yet to find an american lager that a) combines as well with limes and b) refreshes quite so perfectly.  sure if push came to shove, i would sell my cervezas down the river for a pint of harpoon summer, but sadly, that miracle beer hasn’t made to my little corner of the swamp that is dc.  anyway, the point is that our nation’s birthday is doomed by its own summer date to be celebrated with mexican beer. (don’t worry, america, my coronas were in celebration of their election, not your birthday!)

lastly, fireworks.  we all know blowing things up is as american as apple pie.  but the chinese invented fireworks!  and yes, i suppose if there’s one thing america does better than any other country, it’s appropriate culture and assimilate people.  all things considered though, there’s not one thing about this holiday that’s actually american (not counting mike’s supersnack)!  we even had tortilla chips (mexico again) and pretzels (dutch or german, i don’t know).

i guess what I’m trying to say is, good job america!  this holiday has actually shown me that we can thank the various immigrants we’ve had over the centuries, because i’m pretty sure that without them we’d be eating deep-fried cheetos and setting off real bombs every year.

it's my precious money

and these clowns aren't getting any of it. i got an email today that i'm sure everybody over the age of 22 is quite familiar with.

You should take pride in knowing that the ***** Class of 2003 has an impeccable reputation for setting new ***** Fund participation records each year.

say what? i should take pride? in what? i seriously can't believe these guys--they didn't do much for me when i went to college, let alone now that i'm done with them. whatever happened to that fabled alumni network? it's no wonder i'm out of touch with reality when my dear old alma mater can't even remember that they told me i couldn't graduate! thanks a million, guys! you're not getting a cent, see you in hell!

meanwhile, in far more worthwhile college news, we'll all be in debt until we die. i mean it, so let's all stop kidding ourselves. for our parents--yes, i assume everybody is my age, shut up about it--debt was something that they could actually afford to be without. and while i know a few people who manage their debt obsessively, for me it has never been realistic to be debt-free. working for starbucks (or similarly wage slaving retail outlets), you never have the opportunity to build a cushion of savings. so, when for whatever reason--flying to see your girlfriend, stolen bike--you fall just behind on your cell phone bill or don't quite have the funds to cover your expenses, you reach for that magic little rectangle of plastic. i'm not talking about shopping addiction, i'm talking about necessary--for food, shelter, and sanity--spending.

anyway, now that i'm back in school, my debt has ballooned back into the tens of thousands of dollars even as my day-to-day finances are far less precarious (thanks to loans). it's a tricky situation that can very easily fade into the background of more pressing issues.

and the truth is that the conservative movement has been working tirelessly for decades to shift the burdens of financial risk away from the government, the banks, and businesses and onto the individual. the amount of available scholarships and grants has decreased dramatically even as more people are applying to college than ever before. that means more loans, and as the above article tells us, those are getting riskier too. my mom--a former director of sallie mae--used to warn me every day about going into default. the worst thing i could do for myself, she said, pounding home not only that these loans could ruin my life, but that they sure as hell weren't going anywhere. fifteen years is pretty standard, and by then i should have mountains of new debt--car loans, maybe a mortgage, a home equity loan, a small business loan--to make my current figure look like chump change.