listen dan, it's been a long time since you posted anything on me (like 37 days, even) and i'm starting to wonder if you even carea about me anymore. i have feelings too, you know, and needs, and contrary to what everybody's been telling you, i'm not going to just sit around and wait for you to come back to me, extra-large hat in hand, and act like nothing ever happened. the fact is that you gave up on us, not me. and frankly, i don't want to hear excuses about finals, or holidays, or the strange virus you picked up from tramping around on new year's.
get over yourself and come back to me, because i haven't given up. and if you're man enough to admit you were wrong, i'll be blog enough to take you back. this time. everybody deserves a second chance, even a jerk like you. plus you're just too damn sexy not to have in my life. play your cards right, and maybe you can be a blogger with benefits. just promise not to fuck up anymore and treat me with a little respect, ok? i deserve it.
love (begrudgingly),
your blog
Showing posts with label being a jerk. Show all posts
Showing posts with label being a jerk. Show all posts
1.20.2007
12.14.2006
good lord, i hate this movie
look, i don't really have a lot of love for the troglodytes over at aicn. more often than not, their breathless fanboyism makes me want to punch myself in the face for liking some of the same things they do.
however, there's a special place in my heart for hating on eragon. perhaps it's the residual self-loathing of a former (very former, asshole) dragonlance reader, or maybe it's just that this kind of shitstorm of a novel makes anybody who actually enjoys fantasy of any stripe feel like a total schmuck. quality, original, amazing, fantastic fiction does exist out there, but every book of sword-and-sorcery cookie cutter tripe that comes out just encourages people to write off the whole genre. so, thanks, homeschooled dipshit, for tying your cinderblock of a brainfart around the necks of actual fantasy fans everywhere. enjoy your millions of dollars.
p.s. your dragon looks completely retarded.
however, there's a special place in my heart for hating on eragon. perhaps it's the residual self-loathing of a former (very former, asshole) dragonlance reader, or maybe it's just that this kind of shitstorm of a novel makes anybody who actually enjoys fantasy of any stripe feel like a total schmuck. quality, original, amazing, fantastic fiction does exist out there, but every book of sword-and-sorcery cookie cutter tripe that comes out just encourages people to write off the whole genre. so, thanks, homeschooled dipshit, for tying your cinderblock of a brainfart around the necks of actual fantasy fans everywhere. enjoy your millions of dollars.
p.s. your dragon looks completely retarded.
11.14.2006
holy hostility, batman!
that last post was full of bitter invective, which is not my usual style, i swear. i don't even really mind working at starbucks so much this time (unlike before, when going to work was like walking through acid in flip-flops). the kids who work there are awesome, i get to basically say and do whatever i want, and my bosses are just glad to have me back!
still, most customers are vacuous and forgettable and i long for intellectual stimulation that can't be found in retail. questions like "do you have a restroom?" and "where are the straws?" don't quite get my motor running. luckily, the current crew at my store is very much in the too-smart-for-retail-but-saddled-with-an-unmarketable-degree mold, to which i proudly belong, and which i vastly prefer to either the dumb-enough-for-retail or the i-will-make-starbucks-my-god-and-sacrifice-fun-to-its-insatiable-otherworldly-hunger varieties.
speaking of stimulation, last week i came in at the end of the night to help my bosses roll out the holiday decorations for the store (a hugely ridiculous process, but $$$ talks as usual) and it happened to take place on the new (to me) open mic night at the store! this was my first time (which, unlike in some clubs, did not mean that i had to participate. lucky them) though i'd been warned by a coworker to expect the worst. and, as much as i think people with talent should devote themselves to cultivating it and enriching their lives and the lives of those around them, i just couldn't fucking stop laughing. oh god, the earnestness! that night, i glimpsed a world without irony, and it was goddamn hilarious!
p.s. i'm cracking up just thinking about it!
still, most customers are vacuous and forgettable and i long for intellectual stimulation that can't be found in retail. questions like "do you have a restroom?" and "where are the straws?" don't quite get my motor running. luckily, the current crew at my store is very much in the too-smart-for-retail-but-saddled-with-an-unmarketable-degree mold, to which i proudly belong, and which i vastly prefer to either the dumb-enough-for-retail or the i-will-make-starbucks-my-god-and-sacrifice-fun-to-its-insatiable-otherworldly-hunger varieties.
speaking of stimulation, last week i came in at the end of the night to help my bosses roll out the holiday decorations for the store (a hugely ridiculous process, but $$$ talks as usual) and it happened to take place on the new (to me) open mic night at the store! this was my first time (which, unlike in some clubs, did not mean that i had to participate. lucky them) though i'd been warned by a coworker to expect the worst. and, as much as i think people with talent should devote themselves to cultivating it and enriching their lives and the lives of those around them, i just couldn't fucking stop laughing. oh god, the earnestness! that night, i glimpsed a world without irony, and it was goddamn hilarious!
p.s. i'm cracking up just thinking about it!
11.11.2006
all i ask is that you stop kidding yourselves
alright, listen up morons. (smart people, you can go read a book or something) i know it's hard to wrap your gucci-obsessed reptile brains around the concept, but calories equal fat and starbucks drinks are fucking loaded with the little buggers. a venti nonfat caramel macchiato is packing something like 350, so good job sticking to your no-diet diet, suckas.
i found this in a fast food nation-inspired quiz about your favorite retail food joints (cosi, dunkin, da bux). how well did you pay attention to the previous paragraph?
4. Which grande (16 oz.) Starbucks drink has the fewest calories?
a. Frappuccino Blended Coffee with whipped cream
b. Frappuccino Blended Crème
c. Chai Tea Latte
d. Caramel Macchiato
e. Cappuccino
(answer at the bottom, i'm sure you're fairly tingly with anticipation)
on another, but equally annoying, note: starbucks customers, i'm not your damn mother. pick up after yourselves. word on the street is that you jerks are supposed to be adults.
and now, for the grand(e) reveal:
a. Frappuccino Blended Coffee with whipped cream
(420 to 550 calories)
b. Frappuccino Blended Crème
(490 to 580 calories)
c. Chai Tea Latte
(290 calories)
d. Caramel Macchiato
(310 calories)
the winner! e. Cappuccino even, if made with whole milk
(150 calories)
there, now quit bothering me (and stop talking about how "tall" is a "small". i fucking know).
i found this in a fast food nation-inspired quiz about your favorite retail food joints (cosi, dunkin, da bux). how well did you pay attention to the previous paragraph?
4. Which grande (16 oz.) Starbucks drink has the fewest calories?
a. Frappuccino Blended Coffee with whipped cream
b. Frappuccino Blended Crème
c. Chai Tea Latte
d. Caramel Macchiato
e. Cappuccino
(answer at the bottom, i'm sure you're fairly tingly with anticipation)
on another, but equally annoying, note: starbucks customers, i'm not your damn mother. pick up after yourselves. word on the street is that you jerks are supposed to be adults.
and now, for the grand(e) reveal:
a. Frappuccino Blended Coffee with whipped cream
(420 to 550 calories)
b. Frappuccino Blended Crème
(490 to 580 calories)
c. Chai Tea Latte
(290 calories)
d. Caramel Macchiato
(310 calories)
the winner! e. Cappuccino even, if made with whole milk
(150 calories)
there, now quit bothering me (and stop talking about how "tall" is a "small". i fucking know).
10.31.2006
happy halloween
i don't like being one of those bloggers who doesn't post very often. i figure if i can't do every other day, why am i even in this business (besides the women and the adulation of my peers, i mean)? anyway, it turns out i can't. not now anyway. with midterms over, and nanowrimo starting tomorrow (and tons of other shit that's even less interesting), i'm pretty sure this space is going to be seriously on the back burner for a while. i guess i'll see if i can keep up with it, but i'm not making any promises.
maybe check back once a week, ok? i'll try my best to make it worth your while (with funny pictures, maybe). word, have an awesome holiday (i'm wearing a sexy dress), wish me luck with the book, and i'll see y'all on the other side (december? after finals? when i finally have something interesting to say? who knows?)!
maybe check back once a week, ok? i'll try my best to make it worth your while (with funny pictures, maybe). word, have an awesome holiday (i'm wearing a sexy dress), wish me luck with the book, and i'll see y'all on the other side (december? after finals? when i finally have something interesting to say? who knows?)!
10.17.2006
so much for that whole 'indie god' thing
heard regina spektor on vmars tonight. found the song ("fidelity" i would link it, but there are laws. also, buy it, cheap-o!) on los internets. it is awesome, she is awesome (also, she's apparently some sort of twee pixie/wet dream on a piano), and while i am still pretty ok in most people's view, i've turned in my street cred and cursed the name of time warner-aol for a second time. all of the cool kids knew about her ages ago, and i am appropriately humbled. thank you veronica mars, for opening up my eyes (ears)!
10.11.2006
finally, some fucking validation
"Too cool for school: You are a certifiable indie god. You know which bands are breaking up before the rest of us simpletons have to read about it in Filter or on Pitchfork."
this just in, cnn says i kick total ass, which i guess means that my indie cred has already been sacrificed to the gaping maw of time warner-aol. nuts. maybe they'll pay me if i use my indie superpowers (goofy hair! cool t-shirts! pointless knowledge!) for the benefit of mankind. sadly, when the troglodytes at cnn are telling you you're cool, it's time to burn your closet and donate your ipod to charity (doctors without borders, not tunes!). seriously, it's worse than when your mom says it. fucking miles o'brien.
this just in, cnn says i kick total ass, which i guess means that my indie cred has already been sacrificed to the gaping maw of time warner-aol. nuts. maybe they'll pay me if i use my indie superpowers (goofy hair! cool t-shirts! pointless knowledge!) for the benefit of mankind. sadly, when the troglodytes at cnn are telling you you're cool, it's time to burn your closet and donate your ipod to charity (doctors without borders, not tunes!). seriously, it's worse than when your mom says it. fucking miles o'brien.
why.i.hate.we
so, six weeks ago, i started a new job, full of hope and promise and unbridled enthusiasm (as i am most every day, natch) and an eagerness to explore new aspects of retail merchandising and customer service!
so much for that. they gave us the standard retail pep talk: "a different kind of retail," "people first," "blah blah blah, i'm a giant tool." it went over about as well as you would expect. every morning there was a call and response "good morning, giant tool!" that was supposed to get us ready to sell our guts out to the obnoxious morons who came into the store. this is the kind of utter nonsense that made me nostalgic for starbucks. at least there, we all knew that the higher-ups didn't give a shit about us, but we could be sure that our manager (who was often a friend on top of being a boss) cared at least a little. not so at we. i'm not going to talk shit about him (because i don't know him that well, and trash talk is reserved for close friends), but basically he's a fantastic salesman and a piss-poor manager.
i've never made claims to being good at much (just writing, loving, and kung fu), but i don't think there's any doubt that i'd be a better manager than the douche i've been dealing with (ignore that parenthetical in the last paragraph, please). he seems to have the hiring part down pretty well--almost everybody i met there was both cool and good at their jobs. but he has no idea how to manage an effective team. there are two sides to managing: the people side and the business side, and to be a good manager you have to do both. that's not a hard concept to grasp, but time after time, i run into managers who can push profits to the limits but can't run their staffs to save their stupid miserable lives.
i know what you're thinking "dan, you're probably just a huge pain in the ass and managers don't want to deal with your bullshit!" and i'd be lying if i said i didn't think so too. but it can't be that simple, because other people say the same things about the same people (just with less profanity).
anyway, i'm quitting and going back to the bucks. at least i can afford to buy the things i sell there.
so much for that. they gave us the standard retail pep talk: "a different kind of retail," "people first," "blah blah blah, i'm a giant tool." it went over about as well as you would expect. every morning there was a call and response "good morning, giant tool!" that was supposed to get us ready to sell our guts out to the obnoxious morons who came into the store. this is the kind of utter nonsense that made me nostalgic for starbucks. at least there, we all knew that the higher-ups didn't give a shit about us, but we could be sure that our manager (who was often a friend on top of being a boss) cared at least a little. not so at we. i'm not going to talk shit about him (because i don't know him that well, and trash talk is reserved for close friends), but basically he's a fantastic salesman and a piss-poor manager.
i've never made claims to being good at much (just writing, loving, and kung fu), but i don't think there's any doubt that i'd be a better manager than the douche i've been dealing with (ignore that parenthetical in the last paragraph, please). he seems to have the hiring part down pretty well--almost everybody i met there was both cool and good at their jobs. but he has no idea how to manage an effective team. there are two sides to managing: the people side and the business side, and to be a good manager you have to do both. that's not a hard concept to grasp, but time after time, i run into managers who can push profits to the limits but can't run their staffs to save their stupid miserable lives.
i know what you're thinking "dan, you're probably just a huge pain in the ass and managers don't want to deal with your bullshit!" and i'd be lying if i said i didn't think so too. but it can't be that simple, because other people say the same things about the same people (just with less profanity).
anyway, i'm quitting and going back to the bucks. at least i can afford to buy the things i sell there.
7.06.2006
a paean to my liquid masters
alright, listen up coffee gods! i did your damn dirty work for far too long to have to put up with this shit! make the someday café into a crepe place? you might as well make it a chipotle, asshats!
ok, ok, i don’t even like the place very much (sorry, jen). but i do recognize that a lot people think it rocks their socks off, and that it’s not populated exclusively by anti-establishment zealots with nothing better to do than look down on me for having a real (i.e. horrible) job just for the health insurance. after all, coffee shops cannot be (entirely) blamed for the cockbites who have nowhere else to go because they had to choose between paying rent on their apartments and rent on the practice space for their band (that is this close to being signed, dude, seriously). there might be a few someday patrons who aren’t like that. of course, they would never stick up for me, because they’re craven, hipster, myspace riffraff and too dependent on approval from their poorly coiffed pack leaders. not that i’m bitter or anything.
i don’t even mind the rampant antistarbucksism. it’s the evolution from there to antidanbecauseheworksatstarbucksism that gets my dander up. it’s like i always say, “don’t hate the playa, hate the game!” Asshats.
p.s. gus, i know you don’t remember me, but one time i got stoned in the basement of the toscanini’s i worked at. it was my first day.
p.p.s. someday café, get some new goddamn couches already.
p.p.p.s. coffee gods, praise and glory be to your wonderful *cough*addictive*cough* gifts! this loyal acolyte will have your ritual sacrifice ready no matter what you do to destroy my beloved davis square! caffelujah!*
*until i can discover how to usurp your power and take my place among you mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
ok, ok, i don’t even like the place very much (sorry, jen). but i do recognize that a lot people think it rocks their socks off, and that it’s not populated exclusively by anti-establishment zealots with nothing better to do than look down on me for having a real (i.e. horrible) job just for the health insurance. after all, coffee shops cannot be (entirely) blamed for the cockbites who have nowhere else to go because they had to choose between paying rent on their apartments and rent on the practice space for their band (that is this close to being signed, dude, seriously). there might be a few someday patrons who aren’t like that. of course, they would never stick up for me, because they’re craven, hipster, myspace riffraff and too dependent on approval from their poorly coiffed pack leaders. not that i’m bitter or anything.
i don’t even mind the rampant antistarbucksism. it’s the evolution from there to antidanbecauseheworksatstarbucksism that gets my dander up. it’s like i always say, “don’t hate the playa, hate the game!” Asshats.
p.s. gus, i know you don’t remember me, but one time i got stoned in the basement of the toscanini’s i worked at. it was my first day.
p.p.s. someday café, get some new goddamn couches already.
p.p.p.s. coffee gods, praise and glory be to your wonderful *cough*addictive*cough* gifts! this loyal acolyte will have your ritual sacrifice ready no matter what you do to destroy my beloved davis square! caffelujah!*
*until i can discover how to usurp your power and take my place among you mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
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