sweet jesus in a smoking birchbark canoe!

this is just reprehensible.

i personally think celebrities getting mixed up with politics is all kinds of messed up. voters in this country are easily confused as it is, they don't need goddamn sean penn fighting crocodiles in the flooded streets of new orleans to distract them from the fact that their senator is a raving dingbat.

but michael j. fox isn't tying himself to a bridge to legalize pot, he's fighting for his life (or at least his mobility) against a terrible disease and if rush doesn't like it maybe he should cure fucking parkinson's. if he's not too busy popping viagra and dragging down the collective iq of the entire country, i mean.

man, i hope mccaskill wins and legalizes stem cell research and they cure parkinson's but the cure actually gives michael j. fox superpowers and he has to stop the evil rushzilla (he was mutated into a slobbering lizard-man by a heretofore undiscovered combination of cialis and johnnie walker green) by throwing him into the sun. twice. fucking lizards hate the sun.

bad blogger! do more blogging!

as someone once said: "not blogging is the new blogging." unfortunately, they said it in a blog, thus condemning the comment to a terrifying vortex of irony and cynicism that can only end in the utter destruction of the interwebs. it was nice knowing...well, joe, i guess, since i'm pretty sure nobody else reads this thing.

and if they did, my deafening silence probably dissuaded them in no time flat. in the interests of proving to...well, joe, i guess, that his time here is well spent, here are some links.

why i'm terrified
why i'm depressed (because it will probably work)
why i'm ecstatic
why i'm laughing
why i'm saving my money

there, now go do something productive.

my semi-annual* report on election results

yes, the nights are getting cooler and the leaves are starting to change colors. pumpkins and squash are everywhere you look. as of today, it's officially my favorite season! and politicians across this great nation are amping up the rhetoric, making outlandish claims of competence and professionalism, and calling each other dirty words (hack! ideologue! liberal!) in an effort to transform themselves into the lesser of two/three/six evils.

sadly, even i get a little cynical about elections these days. especially primaries. i tried to vote on tuesday, to make sure my boy deval got the nomination for governor. the emphasis there was on tried, by the way. i went back to my old address in somerville to vote--technically illegal, as i'm a resident of cambridge now, but whatever--only to find out that the somerville elections people had me listed as an inactive voter at my prior address (which was also in somerville, but in another ward). so i asked the nice staff lady if i could just go over there and vote. she said that because i was inactive, in order to vote, i had to sign an affadavit saying that i was who i said i was and that i lived where they said i lived. wouldn't that be (even more) illegal (than what i'm doing now)? i asked. yes, she answered, way more fucking illegal. and the penalty for perjuring myself in such a way is like jail time and possible sexual trespassing. now, i'm pretty sure i can take fisty mcrapesalot in a fight, as i routinely kick the crap out of shaolin monks possessed by demons with my kung fu on the way to work. nevertheless, i didn't want to bike across town because i had homework to do and i wanted a muffin pretty badly. i'll just make sure to reregister for the general, i told her with a steely glint in my eye. i think she got the message.

anyway, voting is harder than it should be. and that's not even counting having to fight my way through the horde of republicans keeping good democrats like me away from the polls. if i didn't have the ninja skills to blend into the shadows they might have stopped me with their burning effigies and 'liberalism killed jesus' signs.

and speaking of republicans being batshit crazy...

the reactionary, torture-loving house passed a new--and wicked unconstitutional--law saying that people will need to present valid photo ids in order to vote in 08. this is to cut down on voter fraud, so that people can't claim to be other people when they vote. this is a stupid law because nobody even does that shit, and if they did, simply having to show id probably wouldn't stop them, just like it hasn't stopped billions of college kids from buying beer despite being 18. also, it's to stop illegal aliens from enacting their master plan of voting in politicians who will approve their communist amnesty idea and make them legal. this is also stupid, as most illegal aliens are goddamned terrified of being found out and that plan i just made up might as well have been drafted by pixies riding on a unicorn. it's pure fantasy, baby.

no, what this stupid law is all about is making sure that the poor and elderly--who are less likely to own cars and thus driver's licenses, and are mostly democratic voters, coincidentally--have a harder time voting. by the way, it's also unconstitutional. and stupid.


* whenever i the hell feel like it

a blogger is joe

check him out, ya'll. except for the festering conservatism and an exceptional talent for bloviating, he's a stand-up kind of guy and i wish him the best. and if you don't agree with him, tell him so, he loves a good debate. just don't take it personally when he impugns your ancestors and starts hurling ritual quebecois hexes at you.

when the planets align

it's outrage o'clock

i know, i know.  it’s completely uncool to post about politics in washington, but i’ve resisted as long as is humanly (or humanely) possible.  now let me get this off my chest.

once upon a time, i--unlike many of my contemporary yippie friends--worked for the minimum wage, which was a paltry $5.15/hr at the time.  it basically sucked and as soon as i could, i got a better job.  being a white, upper-middle class male, this was easy for me to do.  it is very, very hard for other people, mostly because they lack one or all of the traits listed above.  also because the man keeps them down.  anyway, that long-ago thankless toil came rushing back to me when I found out that the great state of massachusetts had overridden mitt’s veto and raised the state minimum wage. (and speaking of the mittster, he’s still a rampaging jackass)

as for the federal wage (because not all states are as cool as massachusetts, hell yeah!) it’s still only $5.15/hr.  gadzooks!  somebody call the fucking government, they’ll know what to do!

of course, because it’s congress, and congress is controlled by hulking soulless reptile-men (republicans!), what they did was vote down the minimum wage hike proposed by my good buddy ted kennedy earlier this summer.  shortly thereafter, they voted for a congressional pay raise.  the hypocrisy and gall that these men exhibit on a daily basis is simply mind-blowing.  seriously, if your mind is still in one piece, go back and reread the last three sentences.  i’ll wait.

see what I mean?  blown like a high school quarterback on prom night.  but it doesn’t end there, unfortunately.  just this week, they put together a “compromise” bill that slapped a minimum wage hike together with the repeal of the estate tax.  in case you’re not familiar with the estate tax, it is a tax levied on estates valued at $5 million or more (double for couples).  it is a tax that only affects the super-mega wealthy.  and repealing it is a republican wet dream.  unfortunately for the rest of us americans, it will cost our government almost a trillion dollars (with a tr-) in revenue by 2021.  that’s money that probably would go to programs to help the poor.  is it any wonder that republicans want to eliminate this revenue stream?  it lets them pour money on the rich and oppress the poor at the same time!  praise jesus!

anyway, attaching this ass-rape of a policy to the minimum wage hike is a blatant attempt to lure dems across the aisle and make them vote to repeal the estate tax.  if it works, it might just go down as the worst law of the 108th congress.  i’d say ever, but i think the USA PATRIOT act still wins that one.

ok, politics over.  go back about your business.  there’s a post about debauchery coming up soon, i promise.

taking a stand!

things i won’t do:

• as outlined below, watch cnn ever again, due to their reporting on the coming armageddon as if it were news.  good job, guys.  as a news source, you’ve achieved the level of trust and journalistic acumen that i usually expect from x-men comics and those larouche pamphlets that the straight-edge kids hand out in harvard square.

• you may have heard of this guy mel gibson.  way back when, he filled out a pair of tights real nicely and once he even went against his mercenary ways and helped a band of post-apocalyptic survivors fend off roving marauders.  those were the days.  now he denies the holocaust and blames the jews for making him drink and drive.  and for starting all those wars.  that were actually started by evangelical christians.  just like mel (catholic, whatever).  anyway, i’m done with this clown—no more mel gibson movies.  in fact, the first thing i’m doing when i get back to boston is microwaving my road warrior dvd!  now, that’s consumer retribution!

• drink miller high life.  also explained below, this piss was vile even back when it was all i could afford.  now, i may be broker than ever, but my standards continue to rise (like inflation!) and at the ripe old age of 25, i can confidently proclaim that i will never force this swill down my craw again!  bring on the miller lite!

that’s it.  everything else is fair game.

playing catch up

i just wanted to say that i’m alive and well.  it’s been a busy week, with lots of running around and whatnot.  quick updates are go!

• i saw a hawk swoop off of a building and snatch up a pigeon right out of a fountain!  huzzah for nature!


• i also saw chuck hagel (r)-ne give what can only be described as the foundation of his stump speech.  i can only hope that the q&a—wherein a college sophomore grilled him about his voting record and anwar—will be imitated on meet the press in two years.


• i can chalk up another two successes in my personal proselytizing of the joy that is veronica mars.


• i was wicked disappointed by the final of the cup.  now i get to count down the weeks until real football season begins.  time to start scouting my fantasy team…


• i saw pirates 2 and enron: the smartest guys in the room over the weekend and was thoroughly impressed by each of them for entirely different reasons.  needless to say, my sympathies lie far more with actual pirates than with corporate ones.


• and lastly, after a night of debauchery to be proud of on saturday—i came home wearing somebody else’s pants—i can safely say i will never drink again.  until 6pm.

it's my precious money

and these clowns aren't getting any of it. i got an email today that i'm sure everybody over the age of 22 is quite familiar with.

You should take pride in knowing that the ***** Class of 2003 has an impeccable reputation for setting new ***** Fund participation records each year.

say what? i should take pride? in what? i seriously can't believe these guys--they didn't do much for me when i went to college, let alone now that i'm done with them. whatever happened to that fabled alumni network? it's no wonder i'm out of touch with reality when my dear old alma mater can't even remember that they told me i couldn't graduate! thanks a million, guys! you're not getting a cent, see you in hell!

meanwhile, in far more worthwhile college news, we'll all be in debt until we die. i mean it, so let's all stop kidding ourselves. for our parents--yes, i assume everybody is my age, shut up about it--debt was something that they could actually afford to be without. and while i know a few people who manage their debt obsessively, for me it has never been realistic to be debt-free. working for starbucks (or similarly wage slaving retail outlets), you never have the opportunity to build a cushion of savings. so, when for whatever reason--flying to see your girlfriend, stolen bike--you fall just behind on your cell phone bill or don't quite have the funds to cover your expenses, you reach for that magic little rectangle of plastic. i'm not talking about shopping addiction, i'm talking about necessary--for food, shelter, and sanity--spending.

anyway, now that i'm back in school, my debt has ballooned back into the tens of thousands of dollars even as my day-to-day finances are far less precarious (thanks to loans). it's a tricky situation that can very easily fade into the background of more pressing issues.

and the truth is that the conservative movement has been working tirelessly for decades to shift the burdens of financial risk away from the government, the banks, and businesses and onto the individual. the amount of available scholarships and grants has decreased dramatically even as more people are applying to college than ever before. that means more loans, and as the above article tells us, those are getting riskier too. my mom--a former director of sallie mae--used to warn me every day about going into default. the worst thing i could do for myself, she said, pounding home not only that these loans could ruin my life, but that they sure as hell weren't going anywhere. fifteen years is pretty standard, and by then i should have mountains of new debt--car loans, maybe a mortgage, a home equity loan, a small business loan--to make my current figure look like chump change.