everybody's special

i'm pretty sure that nobody with actual talent reads my blog (when i get around to posting, that is). legitimized talent, i mean. you guys all rock, but as far as i know, you've never published anything or gotten signed (no, blogs don't count, and neither does the "record label" you thought up when you got stoned on the library roof that one time). anyway, like most losers (and eventual winners, i suppose), i keep trying in spite of the harsh glaring truth and every november, i psyche myself up for the month of plot outlines and carpal tunnel syndrome that is nanowrimo.

and now you musically inclined folks can play too! check it out: the rpm challenge! record an album in 28 days? sounds like a piece of cake to me. though, you only have about 32 hours until the clock starts.

then you have to learn how to play an instrument, find some like-minded saps to accompany you, write a bunch of songs, record them, have artistic differences and go your own way, edit them (the songs, not the differences. though, now that you mention it, your musical pretensions aren't exactly original), leak them to the internet, convince dj dangermouse to remix your shit so the kids will think it's cool, find some kickass cover art, sue the pants off the hipster doofi who illegally downloaded your genius, wallow in your own crapulence, and fall headfirst into the inevitable sophomore slump.

congratulations, you're a rock star! now head on over to pitchfork and hypemachine to obsessively track your "popularity".

ok, fine! yes, i'm slightly bitter, my musical dreams will never be realized! and no, i don't hold that against musicians, more power to them. and maybe, i secretly wish i could pull off the eyeliner look. quit bugging me, don't you have songs to write?

good lord, i hate this movie

look, i don't really have a lot of love for the troglodytes over at aicn. more often than not, their breathless fanboyism makes me want to punch myself in the face for liking some of the same things they do.

however, there's a special place in my heart for hating on eragon. perhaps it's the residual self-loathing of a former (very former, asshole) dragonlance reader, or maybe it's just that this kind of shitstorm of a novel makes anybody who actually enjoys fantasy of any stripe feel like a total schmuck. quality, original, amazing, fantastic fiction does exist out there, but every book of sword-and-sorcery cookie cutter tripe that comes out just encourages people to write off the whole genre. so, thanks, homeschooled dipshit, for tying your cinderblock of a brainfart around the necks of actual fantasy fans everywhere. enjoy your millions of dollars.

p.s. your dragon looks completely retarded.

nanowrimo, take five-ish

it's that magical time of year again, when my eyes are too big for my...talent, i guess. november equals national novel writing month, which for me usually equals grandiose ambitions followed by very little in the way of follow-through. the idea is to write 50,000 words in 30 days.

i've been trying since my junior year of college, and the best i ever did was 10,000 (actually 9,874--huzzah for rounding!) and that was two years ago. last year, being back in school, i was quickly distracted by things like papers and other unimportant things (thanksgiving? whatever). but not this time! no sir, i have a secret weapon this year, and it's called: cheating.

that's right. this summer, i started writing a story and got about half of a notebook into it before school started again and robbed me of my mojo/free time/will to live. so, since i still have all that other junk to do this november (trip to see cecilia, turkeyday, homework, real work, trivia night, etc.), i've decided that it's not really unethical to use a story i've already started. since i have to type it anyway, it's practically like writing it (take that, ethics!). anyway, shut up, it's my story and my month!

p.s. write your own novel! go to the website and check it out. the more the merrier!

sweet jesus in a smoking birchbark canoe!

this is just reprehensible.

i personally think celebrities getting mixed up with politics is all kinds of messed up. voters in this country are easily confused as it is, they don't need goddamn sean penn fighting crocodiles in the flooded streets of new orleans to distract them from the fact that their senator is a raving dingbat.

but michael j. fox isn't tying himself to a bridge to legalize pot, he's fighting for his life (or at least his mobility) against a terrible disease and if rush doesn't like it maybe he should cure fucking parkinson's. if he's not too busy popping viagra and dragging down the collective iq of the entire country, i mean.

man, i hope mccaskill wins and legalizes stem cell research and they cure parkinson's but the cure actually gives michael j. fox superpowers and he has to stop the evil rushzilla (he was mutated into a slobbering lizard-man by a heretofore undiscovered combination of cialis and johnnie walker green) by throwing him into the sun. twice. fucking lizards hate the sun.

why.i.hate.we

so, six weeks ago, i started a new job, full of hope and promise and unbridled enthusiasm (as i am most every day, natch) and an eagerness to explore new aspects of retail merchandising and customer service!

so much for that. they gave us the standard retail pep talk: "a different kind of retail," "people first," "blah blah blah, i'm a giant tool." it went over about as well as you would expect. every morning there was a call and response "good morning, giant tool!" that was supposed to get us ready to sell our guts out to the obnoxious morons who came into the store. this is the kind of utter nonsense that made me nostalgic for starbucks. at least there, we all knew that the higher-ups didn't give a shit about us, but we could be sure that our manager (who was often a friend on top of being a boss) cared at least a little. not so at we. i'm not going to talk shit about him (because i don't know him that well, and trash talk is reserved for close friends), but basically he's a fantastic salesman and a piss-poor manager.

i've never made claims to being good at much (just writing, loving, and kung fu), but i don't think there's any doubt that i'd be a better manager than the douche i've been dealing with (ignore that parenthetical in the last paragraph, please). he seems to have the hiring part down pretty well--almost everybody i met there was both cool and good at their jobs. but he has no idea how to manage an effective team. there are two sides to managing: the people side and the business side, and to be a good manager you have to do both. that's not a hard concept to grasp, but time after time, i run into managers who can push profits to the limits but can't run their staffs to save their stupid miserable lives.

i know what you're thinking "dan, you're probably just a huge pain in the ass and managers don't want to deal with your bullshit!" and i'd be lying if i said i didn't think so too. but it can't be that simple, because other people say the same things about the same people (just with less profanity).

anyway, i'm quitting and going back to the bucks. at least i can afford to buy the things i sell there.

slight site changes, insights to excite!

blogger's new layout gizmo is giving me issues, so i'm calling it a night. no more 'what hits' bar, as i got the feeling it only mattered to me and was a pain in the ass to update (there was typing involved, gah). trying to give you guys a new picture to swoon over (it shows off my eyes!) and a new blogroll. the labels are awesome, and i'm having a blast with 'em. in case you couldn't tell.

by the by, did anybody hear about that nutbar down in georgia? yeah, she wants to ban harry potter books because they're too witchy! i know! the nerve of some people. not only are witches smoking hot (sabrina, samantha, tara, willow, blair witch, hermione), but they teach kids to read before they eat them. sometimes. also a few of those witches i mentioned saved the world! what have you done lately, nutbar?

oh, right, you made sure your library didn't have any spanish-language fiction so the immigrants wouldn't come in there and make it smelly and mexican. fantastic job. really, way to fucking go. i almost wish witches were real so they could eat your children and keep them from spreading your lunacy to more innocent people!

first of all, many immigrants (legal or not) are not spanish speakers at all. they're from other parts of the world that probably scare nutbar just as badly. secondly, a fair amount of illegal immigrants (the scarier kind) are fucking illiterate! and i bet they're still smarter than you! sweet fucking christ, lady. i can't decide whether to tear my hair out or curl up in a ball and weep.

p.s. the harry potter series are the most banned books of all time. as banned books week was last week, we can safely assume that nutbar is ignorant about pretty much everything yet was blessed with a deliciously ironic sense of timing.

bad blogger! do more blogging!

as someone once said: "not blogging is the new blogging." unfortunately, they said it in a blog, thus condemning the comment to a terrifying vortex of irony and cynicism that can only end in the utter destruction of the interwebs. it was nice knowing...well, joe, i guess, since i'm pretty sure nobody else reads this thing.

and if they did, my deafening silence probably dissuaded them in no time flat. in the interests of proving to...well, joe, i guess, that his time here is well spent, here are some links.

why i'm terrified
why i'm depressed (because it will probably work)
why i'm ecstatic
why i'm laughing
why i'm saving my money

there, now go do something productive.

finally

some good news about the space elevator!

a blogger is joe

check him out, ya'll. except for the festering conservatism and an exceptional talent for bloviating, he's a stand-up kind of guy and i wish him the best. and if you don't agree with him, tell him so, he loves a good debate. just don't take it personally when he impugns your ancestors and starts hurling ritual quebecois hexes at you.

when the planets align

good move, give the crazies a megaphone

fuck! i’m never watching cnn ever again.
you hear me, time warner? never! i’m an msnbc viewer from here on out, no matter how cute anderson cooper is or how many times he has angelina jolie on his show, or how many times soledad o’brien says she thinks I’m hot. fucking forget it! you can’t put shit like this on the air!

that's just how soledad shows her love --->

more convenient than ever

last night, cecilia and i went to see an inconvenient truth, the culmination of 40 years of work by mr. al gore, the man who “used to be the next president of the united states.”

no lie, it’s an extraordinary and powerful movie.  if you know anything at all about climate change, then you probably are familiar with the kind of information that he talks about, but the magnitude of it, and the simple, clear, and effective way that he gets it across will still leave you impressed.  no doubt about it, mr. gore looks and feels far more presidential as the narrator than he ever did on the campaign trail.  he’s a virgillian figure, leading us down an ever steepening spiral to an inescapable conclusion: climate change is real, and it has already begun.  all that we can hope to do is mute its effects.  and i’m gonna start right now.

first and foremost, as always, is getting the word out.  so, if you haven’t seen it yet, go see it this weekend, and bring a friend along.  if you have already seen it, then by all means tell everybody you know to go see it.  tell them that it doesn’t matter if you love gore or hate him, or whether you’re progressive or conservative, we all live on the same planet (unfortunately, if they’ve read that insipid crichton book, they’re probably beyond reaching).  And most importantly, tell them it’s free!

to help spread the word, two organizations have stepped up, offering—through partnerships with fandango—free tickets to anyone who signs up.

first, inconvenientchristians.org, a website run by an environmental stewardship church called recovering eden.  there’s a bunch of biblical quotes on their homepage, and when you sign up for the free tickets, they make you click one box that affirms your faith, and another that says you will come back and submit a review to them.  fair enough, but i don’t really like to encourage hypocrisy or lying even on the internets, so…

we have targetglobalwarming.org, which is the same basic thing, except it’s run by the national wildlife fund (partnered with cabela’s, a hunting/fishing/outdoors equipment store) and they don’t make you pledge a damn thing.  this is who i went through, and the process is virtually painless.  in both cases, you get a coupon code that you enter into fandango’s site after you select a showtime.  the codes are good for $20, but with the surcharges, the cost for 2 tickets in georgetown was $21.  a small price to pay, i’m sure you’ll agree.

lastly, if you’re an internet 2.0 kind of person, eric pan, a regular-joe type from santa cruz, saw the movie and set up share the truth, a sort of community clearinghouse for people to either buy tickets for strangers, find tickets offered by strangers, or put together a group of like-mminded strangers to go see it together.

there, now you have absolutely no reason at all not to see this movie.  it’s even pretty short, about an hour and forty-five minutes!  if you can’t spare that, then there’s really nothing i can do for you.  As for everybody else, pass those links on to whoever you can.  tell them to see the movie and make up their own minds.

a paean to my liquid masters

alright, listen up coffee gods!  i did your damn dirty work for far too long to have to put up with this shit!  make the someday café into a crepe place?  you might as well make it a chipotle, asshats!

ok, ok, i don’t even like the place very much (sorry, jen).  but i do recognize that a lot people think it rocks their socks off, and that it’s not populated exclusively by anti-establishment zealots with nothing better to do than look down on me for having a real (i.e. horrible) job just for the health insurance.  after all, coffee shops cannot be (entirely) blamed for the cockbites who have nowhere else to go because they had to choose between paying rent on their apartments and rent on the practice space for their band (that is this close to being signed, dude, seriously).  there might be a few someday patrons who aren’t like that.  of course, they would never stick up for me, because they’re craven, hipster, myspace riffraff and too dependent on approval from their poorly coiffed pack leaders.  not that i’m bitter or anything.

i don’t even mind the rampant antistarbucksism.  it’s the evolution from there to antidanbecauseheworksatstarbucksism that gets my dander up.  it’s like i always say, “don’t hate the playa, hate the game!”  Asshats.



p.s. gus, i know you don’t remember me, but one time i got stoned in the basement of the toscanini’s i worked at.  it was my first day.

p.p.s. someday café, get some new goddamn couches already.

p.p.p.s. coffee gods, praise and glory be to your wonderful *cough*addictive*cough* gifts!  this loyal acolyte will have your ritual sacrifice ready no matter what you do to destroy my beloved davis square!  caffelujah!*





*until i can discover how to usurp your power and take my place among you mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

it's my precious money

and these clowns aren't getting any of it. i got an email today that i'm sure everybody over the age of 22 is quite familiar with.

You should take pride in knowing that the ***** Class of 2003 has an impeccable reputation for setting new ***** Fund participation records each year.

say what? i should take pride? in what? i seriously can't believe these guys--they didn't do much for me when i went to college, let alone now that i'm done with them. whatever happened to that fabled alumni network? it's no wonder i'm out of touch with reality when my dear old alma mater can't even remember that they told me i couldn't graduate! thanks a million, guys! you're not getting a cent, see you in hell!

meanwhile, in far more worthwhile college news, we'll all be in debt until we die. i mean it, so let's all stop kidding ourselves. for our parents--yes, i assume everybody is my age, shut up about it--debt was something that they could actually afford to be without. and while i know a few people who manage their debt obsessively, for me it has never been realistic to be debt-free. working for starbucks (or similarly wage slaving retail outlets), you never have the opportunity to build a cushion of savings. so, when for whatever reason--flying to see your girlfriend, stolen bike--you fall just behind on your cell phone bill or don't quite have the funds to cover your expenses, you reach for that magic little rectangle of plastic. i'm not talking about shopping addiction, i'm talking about necessary--for food, shelter, and sanity--spending.

anyway, now that i'm back in school, my debt has ballooned back into the tens of thousands of dollars even as my day-to-day finances are far less precarious (thanks to loans). it's a tricky situation that can very easily fade into the background of more pressing issues.

and the truth is that the conservative movement has been working tirelessly for decades to shift the burdens of financial risk away from the government, the banks, and businesses and onto the individual. the amount of available scholarships and grants has decreased dramatically even as more people are applying to college than ever before. that means more loans, and as the above article tells us, those are getting riskier too. my mom--a former director of sallie mae--used to warn me every day about going into default. the worst thing i could do for myself, she said, pounding home not only that these loans could ruin my life, but that they sure as hell weren't going anywhere. fifteen years is pretty standard, and by then i should have mountains of new debt--car loans, maybe a mortgage, a home equity loan, a small business loan--to make my current figure look like chump change.